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ABZÛ - Voyage to the Bottom of the World

Author: Alex M

Bonjour! Welcome to the world of ABZU, and welcome to this little documentary which I shall entitle ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the World’. My name is Jacques Custard, and I am going to be your host as we delve far beneath the waves, what sealife will we find, what unexplored treasures? Join me in this exploration of the deep, and revel in the wonders of the ocean!

Note: I’m aware that some of these fish might have names already, but I am Jacques Custard, and I can rename them in a more scientific way than these so-called-scientists can!

Fish Boil - Poissoni-Many

This is a lot of fish, but which might be a larger fish when they come together like this? I swam through the centre of this boil of fish, but they just parted and let me through. Is it a million tiny fish, or one bigger fish? Who knows?

I do, for I am Jacques Custard. It is lots of fish.

Wide Boy - Widdy Chappicus

This chap is very large and wide and flat and it just sort of bobbed around a bit? I didn’t see what it ate, but I did notice that when it surfaced some birds hopped on its flat back and had a little ride. So I can only assume that it eats birds and this is a clever ploy.

Friendly Boy - Pallicus Laddi

The friendliest chap under the waves (apart from yours truly), this lad just blobbed about, nosing at things, and snuffling at me like it was a big friendly dog. Squidgy and fun, I think I might’ve found the perfect creature. What a joy it is, it made me really sad that I had to move onwards.

Tiny Hardround - Smallid Shellirin

This round thing I first mistook as a rock, but after rapping on its hard outer layer for a while it extruded a small nose and little eyeballs. Most peculiar! I stuck a couple in my backpack to have a closer look later, but when I had reached the surface they’d managed to burrow out! This elusive creature will bear further study!

A Dinosaur - Dinosaurus

OK this is just a dinosaur. There’s a dinosaur down here. Has no-one noticed that dinosaurs are STILL AROUND and under the water? No? Well you SHOULD.

I’m going to be rich and famous when the science institute sees this picture.

Snubnose Growler - Growlicus Snubnosica

Next we come to what I shall be calling the Snubnose Growler. I watched it move purposelessly through the fronds of seaweed, it's bright eyes only noticing me when I took a small Mars Bar out of my pocket to eat it. You might ask how I ate a Mars Bar when wearing a full diving suit? I can only answer that I am Jacques Custard, and I can do anything.

From here I moved deeper, into the depths of the ocean. Light left me behind as I ventured into the dark basement of the world.

Light Fools - Idiotus Lightbulbis

These idiots have lights on them. Lights! It’s dark down here, and I saw a great many of them get eaten by other, larger, darker creatures. They stand out a MILE, so I’m calling them Light Fools as they deserve no better.

Note to self: turn off helmet light before going deeper.

Giant Noodlelegs - Noodlicus Biggus

The Giant Noodlelegs accosted me as I sank far beneath the waves, its green tentacles wrapping around my body much like spaghetti wraps itself around my fork. But this was ouch spaghetti, it hurt me and I had to resort to wiggling violently to free myself. I made my valiant escape and will definitely be giving the Giant Noodlelegs a wide berth! Now to put some antiseptic cream on these welts, ouch.

Shiny Thing - Lighti Eyeballeri

What is it with things being lit up down here? You’d think they’d learn with the Giant Noodlelegs about and it's horrible grasping legs (I shall have nightmares for years). This floating bobber is a handy little light now I’ve had to turn my headlamp off. It floats around, inflating and deflating and letting off the most delightful bioluminescence. I might just have to stay for a bit and watch. Just for a little while. A moment or two.

IT’S LATCHING ONTO MY HELMET I’m out of here! The deeps are DANGEROUS!

Big Eyeball - Globe Humungous

WHAT IS THAT nope, I’m out of here.

The sea is scary and filled with things that want to kill you the further down you go. Do not go to the sea, for my next documentary I will cover the sky instead. Birds are friendly aren’t they? Surely.

Jacques Custard OUT.